Beth Grant, 25, has been receiving treatment for anorexia on and off since she was 13, including five months in a hospital in Glasgow earlier this year, 380 miles from her home in Hertfordshire.
I was 13 when I was first diagnosed with anorexia. I didn’t have my first stay in hospital until I was in my 20s. Before that I received outpatient treatment, first through children’s and late adults mental health services. I was discharged when I went to university aged 21.
I got support while at university from the university’s counselling services, though I gradually declined while on my course. During the last month of my third year in 2015, I was admitted to the Priory hospital in Chelmsford, Essex, about 45 minutes from my family home near St Albans in Hertfordshire. It was a great place. As you progressed you got more freedoms, for example unsupervised snacks and home visits if you managed to get your Body Mass Index up to 15. That gave many of us something to aim for.
I left having regained a suitable amount of weight but was still not completely healthy. Then in February this year I relapsed after a family bereavement. I was told I couldn’t go back to Chelmsford. It’s my understanding that there are just over 300 beds in the country and there are thousands of people who need help. Chelmsford only has 12-14 beds, was small, intimate and a nice group of people.
I was told that the only place available was in Glasgow, 380 miles and a six-hour drive from my home. I resisted the move at first because I really didn’t want to be that far from home. My family were similarly concerned. The problem was that I needed more help than my parents could offer. I was worried that if I lost any more weight I would end up on a medical ward. I didn’t want to leave, but I felt I had no choice.
My parents were so incensed that I had to go so far away that they refused to drive me up. So the NHS decided to transport me by taxi, which must have cost them over £1,000. After that I didn’t see my family for five weeks. My mum was going through treatment for breast cancer at the time so found it hard to come up. I stayed in Glasgow for the next five months but saw my mum a total of four times.
I felt let down. I felt I had been sent away originally just so people could get rid of me, like I was being pushed aside. During my time in Glasgow, no friends came up to visit. I know it sounds silly, but I felt ashamed about being in an inpatient unit and I didn’t want to tell too many people. The nurses were for the most part OK. Some clearly cared more than others, though they could be dismissive at times and sometimes they would simply ignore you. Staff weren’t as hands-on as they should have been and some of my friends were left for five hours during the day without being checked on. But the daily group programmes were very helpful, such as ‘nutritional education’ and ‘understanding your eating disorder’.
In June this year, I was eventually transferred because I was so homesick and depressed. Knowing I was so ill didn’t help as I blamed myself and believed that I deserved to continue to feel that bad. It felt even worse not to be near my mum and unable to physically support her while she was going through radiotherapy as well. I wasn’t putting on weight and it was decided that it would be better for me to be treated closer to home.
Having an eating disorder is extremely isolating; as a normally sociable person it feels like torture. Being so far from home just made it worse. I absolutely love food so for me anorexia is more of a self-punishment. I was bullied from a young age and withholding food became a way of controlling something in my life. I didn’t deserve food. I am also extremely driven, which is maybe linked to it somehow, although it holds me back.
I’ve been an inpatient at one other place since then, in Ealing in west London, which is not too far from my home. The very strict regime there meant I put on weight, but my mental health was no better. I left two weeks ago. I didn’t want to have to stay there over Christmas and I didn’t like the unbelievably strict, inflexible guidelines. I’m now in treatment through my old outpatient team and see a counsellor twice a week, a dietician and a social worker. Constant support is really important and having someone to talk to, or simply to sit with and be near when you don’t want to be alone, is what you need most when you are this unwell.”
"I felt pushed away": Beth Grant on having to move 380 miles for anorexia treatment
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