Jo, Washington DC
Having an anxiety disorder means that I don’t just have a lot of feelings, I have feelings about my feelings. I worry that my feelings aren’t real or that my feelings about my feelings are the correct feelings, or my feelings are the wrong feelings. I have shame about my feelings, guilt about my feelings, anger about my feelings. Sometimes I wonder which feeling is real – the initial feeling or the resulting feeling? Am I making myself feel this way or do I just feel this way?
I’m always looking for patterns. I thrive on routine. Anything to make me feel less trapped, like I have control. My best friend dying in high school threw this desire for control into overdrive. I can’t enjoy concerts or festivals or bars because there are too many people – what if there’s a fire? What if someone starts shooting? Will I get crushed to death in the inevitable stampede?
One time in high school my friend spent the night, sleeping on my floor directly underneath the ceiling fan. I couldn’t sleep for hours because I imagined what I would do if the ceiling fan suddenly collapsed. I went over the plan again and again, all night long.
Airplanes are a problem. I travel a lot for work. My airplane routine is thus: pack efficiently at least two days prior. Select an odd-numbered window seat (preferably A, but F will do at a pinch), preferably with a seven or a three (but not 13) – 11A is my favourite seat – 17A comes in second. I will pick 27A over 25A, even though it’s farther back in the plane. I wear my airplane sweater, the same sweater I’ve worn on every flight for the last four to five years and take anti-anxiety medications.
I love my friends, and I know, intellectually, my friends like me (otherwise why would they hang out with me?). But I’m constantly worried they don’t like me, or that I’m being annoying, or that they only invite me around because I’m just that friend that’s always around who you can’t get rid of.
Anonymous, 20
I’ve always been an anxious person, even as a child. Moving away from home forced me out of my comfortable hole, out of my comfort zone, which is when my anxiety and depression got so much worse.
It was after months of paranoia, violent imaginings and a confusing sleeping pattern that I forced myself to get help. Since then I’ve been in therapy more or less constantly, which has helped me learn more about myself, and ways of coping. In a way, therapy offered me a chance to reintroduce me to myself.
If there is one take away piece of advice I could give, after years of debilitating anxiety and depression, it would be to make valuable friends, and to not be scared to talk to them about your anxieties and worries – it’s a very British thing to just bottle everything up, but you have to unbottle, and release the pressure sometimes.
Sinead Taylor, Melbourne, 24
I have struggled with anxiety and depression since I was about eight. I went through years of therapy and counselling to fight my mental illness and through writing I have reached a very happy and healthy state.
Anonymous, 20, student
I’ve had a rocky road with mental health. I’ve suffered with what I think is a considerable problem with anxiety for nearly four years now. The fact that my life is near enough perfect and I still experience these feelings is astounding and often makes me feel helpless.
Bouts of anxiety where there is a constant niggling voice in my head, doubting everything I do and the actions of others, panic attacks, sometimes out of the blue, and deep-seated issues with skin picking and cleanliness, can be overwhelming and distract me from my work and sleep. I’ll be lucky to be asleep before four in the morning as of late.
Not so long ago I went to see my GP about it. They didn’t refer me, I wasn’t diagnosed, they just gave me pills and sent me on my way. The pills worked temporarily, but I didn’t understand how to tackle my issues, I didn’t even understand what my issues were or what was causing them. I still don’t.
David Beeney, 54
I will never forget 2 September 1986, one of the worst days of my life. I was helping to interview somebody and suddenly became so anxious I couldn’t breathe. I pretended that I felt faint to disguise what was really going on, and did exactly the same the following day in similar circumstances.
Little did I know then that I would continue to mask similar feelings of anxiety for the next 30 years. Two days later, I attended a wonderful wedding with my closest family and friends. Their memory of me that day would be of me acting the clown. My only memory of that day was thinking that my promising career was over at only 24-years-old and that I was going “mental”.
You just can’t tell by looking at someone how they are feeling inside. Back in 2004, a number of us went out straight from work to watch an England game. Our boss had put some money behind the bar and I can remember us all cheering England to a rare victory. What nobody noticed that evening was the young lad who decided to go home at half time. He didn’t turn up for work the next day. We never saw him again because he chose to kill himself, as life was no longer bearable for him. His closest colleagues were shocked because he had been laughing and joking only the day before in the office.
In the UK, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123.
In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255.
In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14.
Experiences of anxiety: "I suddenly became so anxious I couldn’t breathe"
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