“How can you guarantee that this won’t happen again?” you asked. I was sat in a disciplinary meeting with the head of HR and you, my department manager. The meeting followed a three-day absence and was something I’d been dreading from the moment I’d called in sick.
My feet couldn’t stay still, I was swallowing bile every few minutes and I was having palpitations. I could barely concentrate on what was being said because I was trying not to hyperventilate. It took me a few moments to register the question, and when I did, I felt sick to my stomach.
You did not see my anxiety for what it was – an illness.
It may be a well-known cliche that large companies don’t care about the little people. But as someone who had only worked for local pubs and small businesses, I was naively confident that a well-known corporation would value the wellbeing of their staff. I assumed they would offer support and resources for mental health illnesses – considering as many as one in four people in the UK suffer from them each year.
As I sat there, all I could think while you were telling me off was: “You know nothing about anxiety disorders”.
Anxiety affects everyone in different ways. It can appear in the face of certain triggers or at completely random times – and its severity can vary wildly from episode to episode. Despite having been affected by mood disorders for years, I only realised I suffered from anxiety when a friend of mine suggested I seek help from my GP. This was after an episode where I had spent two hours hyperventilating and unable to move from the bathroom floor.
Describing my experiences to you and the head of HR gave me a dry mouth, as I could feel myself faltering under her stare and thinking: “She definitely thinks I’m exaggerating.” Though her tone of voice was sympathetic, she slid an unhelpful leaflet titled “stress at work” across the table and set up an appointment for me to talk to the occupational health therapist. They in turn suggested I speak to my GP, as I had done months before.
I don’t blame individuals for misunderstanding mental health. It carries a stigma with it, and because it often shows no physical symptoms it can be hard for others to understand. Anxiety isn’t simply getting worried about a presentation or feeling Sunday night blues – it’s a constant feeling of being on edge. It’s breaking down at a moment’s notice. It’s feeling a fist squeeze your chest until you feel like you’ll die from being unable to breathe.
Employers should have support systems in place for staff, so people like me don’t face disciplinary action. I understand that absence policies are in place to catch slackers, and to pinpoint recurring illness in staff who may need help. However the way you conducted the interview made it feel like I was being punished rather than helped. It felt like my personality and work ethic were being scrutinised.
What I wish I could say to my boss is: no, I can’t guarantee an attack won’t happen again, because the nature of my illness is unpredictable. I’m taking antidepressants and undergoing cognitive behavioural therapy so I can learn to get my anxiety attacks under control. They’ve been much more frequent in the past, and I know that if I wasn’t receiving medical help you’d have fired me by now.
These things don’t go away overnight, and I’d like to think that you support me trying my best to overcome my illness. Perhaps you could read up on anxiety, then you would know that it isn’t just me wanting to stay in bed all day, but rather that my mind has trapped me there – and you could work towards a better understanding of mental health.
What I wish I could tell my boss: "My anxiety isn"t a weakness"
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