What working as an FGM counsellor taught me about female sexuality

I had the birds and the bees conversation with my daughter when she was around four years old. I told her that sex is an act that two consenting adults choose to do and I stressed that nobody should touch her body in any way that makes her uncomfortable.

We have revisited this conversation over the years. I told her that her genitals are called a vagina, not fanny, nunnie, minnie or down there. I was sick and tired of the pervading belief that women and girls can’t describe our body parts directly.

Now nearly 10 years after that conversation (she’s just turned 14) teenage hormones are in full swing, with eye rolling and tuning me out while listening to Rihanna. But I love the fact we have frank open conversations about most things and I truly treasure the times we don’t agree. I love that she has her own views about the world.

With that in mind, I want to share some thoughts about my work that made me think of my daughter and the pressure girls around the world face in relation to their sexuality.

Related: Feminism is breaking through the rigid patriarchy in Pakistan

As part of my work with the Dahlia Project, a counselling service I founded for women and girls who have undergone female genital mutilation (FGM), I run sessions for refugee women where I talk about the cultures they grew up in.

The discussion always leads to sex, and a recurring theme is virginity. Many of the women are educated and considered liberal in their way of thinking. They say their daughters are equal to their sons. However, they also say they want their daughters to remain virgins to protect them from harm and so that future husbands will respect them.

What interests me about these conversations is that the women openly talked about being cheated on or beaten by their so-called respectful husbands. I nudged the women to reflect. “Did remaining a virgin work for you?” I asked. “Did it prevent the violence and betrayal he had caused you?” Many were baffled by my questions. By our second session some of the women were starting to realise that cultural patriarchy was alive and well in their homes, and they were complicit in committing the oppression they had endured against their own daughters.

Society high-fives men with multiple sexual partners

Sadly I only had two sessions with these women, and they left me questioning this universal obsession with virginity. I remember newspaper articles about Kate Middleton, being slut-shamed in newspaper articles for not being a virgin before marriage and rumour has it Diana had to prove her virginity before marrying Prince Charles. If a woman is sexually free or has multiple partners, society shames her and makes her feel bad about herself.

While dating I’ve been asked how many men I’ve slept with. This idea of being judged based on the history of my vagina is absolutely ludicrous and another form of control of women’s sexuality. My brother and all the men in my life are never asked such questions yet alone judged on them. Society high-fives men with multiple sexual partners.

I had my first sexual experience at the age of 18 with my then husband (I’m currently happily divorced). I didn’t make the choice to stay a virgin. I did so for two reasons. Firstly, I wasn’t the girl boys were lining up to date. I was a super nerd who didn’t wear makeup or pluck her eyebrows. So, no temptation or struggle for me. Secondly, my mother told me sex was great and nothing to be ashamed about. As a teenager I wasn’t keen to try something my mother enjoyed (remember that trick, parents).

Related: Anti-FGM campaigner Leyla Hussein: the women who made me

I remind my daughter that whenever the day comes that she wants to lose her virginity (why is it something you lose, like a precious possession?), it is no one’s business but hers. If anyone tries to judge her based on her genitals, I tell her to just walk away.

I tell her that our vaginas are very special and powerful, we bleed and give birth from them, and it’s her right as a woman to enjoy sex one day. It’s a beautiful and enjoyable act. Patriarchy tried to prevent me and over 200 million FGM survivors from living as sexual beings, but through therapy and a loving supportive partner many of these women can and are enjoying sex. There is hope.

Dear world, women have sex and enjoy it, so get over the idea that virginity is something to protect.

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What working as an FGM counsellor taught me about female sexuality

Abortion scandal: "abortions improve opportunity of infertility", claims counsellor

A counsellor at a Crisis Pregnancy Centre (CPC) in London – portion of a network of clinics that give tips to women taking into consideration a termination – was recorded producing these claims last month.

At the London CPC, named the Central London Women’s Centre (CLWC), a reporter was told by an adviser that an abortion carried various “risks”, which includes the possibility of “sterility”. The counsellor also advised the reporter that infection was “quite common”.

“As with any operation you know you are introducing something from outdoors the physique into the within of the body and there’s usually a chance but with abortion there’s also a certain threat of, clearly the instruments that are utilized are sharp and they cut the wall of the womb.

“I suggest 1 of the scientific studies the examine that we tend to use is, it says that you are 25 % less probably to be ready to carry a future pregnancy to term”, stated the counsellor, who gave her title as Annabel.

The Royal School of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists explained the chance of becoming left infertile was “quite, very low”. Kate Guthrie, a spokesman for the University and a advisor gynaecologist for Hull and East Riding, said that simply because females were “always” screened before an abortion and “every ladies also will get a schedule course of antibiotics right after the abortion” the risk of infection was also reduced.

The Telegraph launched its investigation into CPCs following obtaining info that particular centres had been offering females inaccurate medical details to females taking into consideration a termination.

Abortion scandal: "abortions improve opportunity of infertility", claims counsellor

Abortion scandal: "abortions improve breast cancer risk", claims counsellor

Women are becoming wrongly advised that an abortion could improve their danger of establishing breast cancer in the course of counselling sessions at independent advisory clincs, The Telegraph can disclose.

Final month, Telegraph reporters approached a centre in Luton, named the Alma Pregnancy Advisory Services (APAS), claiming to be considering an abortion.

The counsellor, named Moira, told the reporter, “there’s also a hyperlink with breast cancer”.

An undercover reporter also visited a CPC in London the place she was told that there was “an elevated statistical probability of little one abuse” since ladies had to break “natural barriers that surround the kid that you really don’t cross” in buy to terminate a pregnancy.

The identical adviser also stated that women who had terminations were 25 % significantly less probably to be capable to carry a pregnancy to full term.

The Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists explained there was “absolutely no evidence” that women have been a lot more most likely to build breast cancer or abuse youngsters right after obtaining an abortion. It also described the suggestion that they had been much less probably to be capable to carry a pregnancy to full term as “absolutely wrong”.

Abortion scandal: "abortions improve breast cancer risk", claims counsellor