Sometimes it’s the little things that get to you. Viruses, obviously. Bacteria. Tiny, tiny flakes of asbestos. Or, to be less literal, the inconsequential things. An inconsequential thing that got to me last week was a report of some Northumbria University research saying that Radio 2 DJs’ repeated references to alcohol were making their listeners hit the bottle.
That’s how it was spun by the tabloid reporting it. But I suppose that was just its way of dragging the story closer to one of the small collection of things it likes to always say: “Women who aspire to do anything deserve the misery they inevitably suffer”; “Decent people are no longer safe in their own homes”; “The BBC is evil”; “Everything gives you cancer”. “This one’s a three!” someone must’ve shouted across the newsroom.
I’m sure the details of the study are more nuanced. The researchers analysed four radio stations aimed at listeners who were middle-aged or older – three commercial ones and Radio 2 – to find out the frequency and nature of the booze-mentioning. And what do you think they found out? You’re right, it’s that.
They are blaming Simon Mayo for ‘normalising’ drunkenness. I’m pretty sure it’s been normal since Dionysus
Yes, obviously the DJs mentioned booze loads and repeatedly implied that it was fine and nice. As Northumbria’s associate professor of public health and wellbeing put it: “Alcohol consumption is often portrayed as the norm without negative consequences, and just 5% of references on all stations were about sensible drinking.” That’s a lot more discussion of sensible drinking than I would’ve expected.
This is a bit of a soft target, you might think. Leave the guys at Northumbria University alone. If they can get funding for counting the number of times Steve Wright mentions Lambrusco, maybe I should wish them luck. But I don’t. Because it’s another case of people scrutinising how other people talk and vetting them for inadvertent divergences from an approved value system. A mild case, perhaps – these guys aren’t no-platforming Peter Tatchell – but they are blaming Simon Mayo for “normalising” drunkenness. I’m pretty sure it’s been normal since Dionysus. The study will probably be ignored but, in these inane times, you just can’t be completely sure.
So it might be worth saying something obvious: DJs on the radio have to talk like human beings – the specific human beings they happen to be. That’s the premise of this form of entertainment: natural chat interspersed with music. It’s not high culture but it passes the time in heavy traffic.
But it won’t work if the people at the microphone, desperately trying to keep the energy up, also have to reflect some externally imposed consensus of how life should be lived. That’s Thought for the Day, which is scripted in advance and lasts under three minutes. Any longer than that and it really would drive listeners to drink…
DJ 1: And Chris from Reading has tweeted to say he’s “just kicking back and chilling with a couple of beers”. Nice one, Chris, but do remember that’s at least four of your recommended maximum of 14 weekly units right there. So do maybe stick at two.
DJ 2: Depending on how much you’ve been drinking the rest of the week, Chris. Are these really your first? Or has it been two every night? Maybe it’s time for a break. I’d hate to think you can’t kick back and chill without the soporific effect of beer. I wouldn’t want to normalise that.
DJ 1: But it’s good that you’re talking about it. Perhaps this is the first step towards a better understanding of your problem.
DJ 2: Yes indeed. And keep those tweets, texts and emails coming in. The weekend starts here…
JINGLE: It’s Friiiiidaaaaaaaaaaaaay! The weekend starts here!
DJ 1: Julie from Norwich has asked for a shout-out to everyone who works with her…
DJ 2: Hi guys!
DJ 1: And says they’re partying already.
DJ 2: Nice one!
DJ 1: She says they’re “already popping the prosecco around the photocopier”.
DJ 2: Ooh. Now, erm, should we be normalising that? I assumed she meant dancing, games, cake…
DJ 1: Not to underplay the obesity crisis.
DJ 2: Of course not – we’re sitting on a diabetes timebomb. Nevertheless, cake is OK occasionally, at a party.
DJ 1: Mary Berry is stick thin.
DJ 2: Exactly. And it certainly doesn’t lead to the sort of partying that results in poor life choices. You know, money problems, problems in the home…
DJ 1: Neil, I was really hoping we could get through one drivetime without you mentioning domestic violence.
DJ 2: It happens, Tim!
DJ 1: I know.
DJ 2: Do you want me to say it doesn’t happen?!
DJ 1: No, because that would involve mentioning it again.
DJ 2: It’s a terrible world out there.
DJ 1: Yeah, but… you know… Friday!!
DJ 2: Yeah.
DJ 1: Good. So, take it easy on the prosecco, girls. It’s got a higher ABV than you’d think, but nevertheless have a great one.
DJ 2: Just not the sort of great one you look back on with bitterness in a couple of decades when you get cirrhosis of the liver!
DJ 1: We should get that turned into a jingle. Here’s one from Andy in Luton: “At the end of a long week working for a faceless corporation, I intend to make myself feel briefly better by consuming more alcohol than is medically wise, something as ingrained in western European culture as that weird thing that makes the women’s necks all long is with whoever does that…”
DJ 2: That should have gone through Compliance.
DJ 1: “…but I really miss the days when your show used to make that feel normal and positive and like it was how I’d want to live my life. I’m not fulfilled and I like a drink. It’s essential that society has a way to make people like me continue to acquiesce in our existences, and media references to ‘having it large’, ‘chilling’ and ‘having a massive one’ may be a crucial part of what makes that happen. After all, I’ve long since realised I’m never going to stop drinking and follow my dream of becoming a sculptor and it would only harm the economy if I tried. Cheers.”
DJ 2: I’m quite surprised you read all of that out.
DJ 1: It’s for balance. And here’s one from the regulars at the Crown in North… actually let’s go to a song.
DJ 2: I expect the lyrics somehow reinforce the patriarchy.
DJ 1: Here’s hoping.
Radio DJs are suppliers of banal chatter, not health advice on partying | David Mitchell
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