I should feel ashamed, but I don’t. The collective loss of control is one of the things I miss most about Britain at this or any other time of year. The Christmases in LA have been sterile, high-maintenance affairs without an elasticated waistband in sight. Angelenos like to celebrate Christmas Day primped and preened and in full view, sipping Yuletide Soy Nog in hotels or vegan restaurants.
There is no downtime either before or after. Early December is spent battling the pre-emptive guilt that a single “cheat day” on December 25 is bound to provoke, and the post-Christmas week is all about whittling yourself into shape for New Year’s Eve parties – which explains why one magazine’s “word of the month” was “FOIJ” (F— Off, I’m Juicing). “Her: ‘Will you taste-test my sausage stuffing?’ You: ‘FOIJ.’”
In fact, excluding the run-up to the Oscars in March, it’s the Terminator’s busiest time of year. “With a few exceptions in the morning, people don’t tend to work out on Christmas Day,” says Rankovic. “But the next morning they’ll start as early as 6am, desperate to work off extra calories from the day before. They’ve got a week to get fit and sexy for New Year’s Eve parties, so the pressure is on.”
Luckily for me, Alex is one of the more humane trainers in Los Angeles. When Juliana Severo, an LA-based celebrity assistant, flew to New York for three days over Christmas, her trainer waged a phone, text and email assault on her to ensure that she “kept to her 110lb NYE goals”.
“He made me take photos of the gym equipment I had access to and then emailed me a minute-by-minute breakdown of what I was supposed to do and how many repetitions of each exercise,” she relates. “When I texted to tell him that I was craving sugar and that an apple wouldn’t do, he told me to ‘get my ass to the nearest juice bar’ on the coldest day of the year, and drink a peanut butter and acai berry smoothie – high in protein and low in sugar.”
Yet rather than resent this virtual bullying during what is supposed to be a restful, indulgent period, Severo was impressed. “The guy is nuts but definitely worth the money I pay him. He’s been available 24/7 over the whole holiday period: he’s like a father, a priest and a counselling service in one. I don’t eat anything without his permission any more. Because let’s face it, food can ruin you.”
But when daily life all year round is about paying penance for the sins you haven’t committed, how do you up the ante in that all-important build-up to New Year’s Eve? Angelenos find a way. Paleta, one of the most popular juicing services in Beverly Hills, offers a “mind and body cleanse”, delivered to your door for five days from December 26, which promises a 5lb to 10lb weight loss and will set you back $ 345 (£210).
Meanwhile, Kreation, a vegan eatery popular with the likes of Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner, will send their juice truck round to dispense emergency advice alongside crates of their “Premium Detox Kleanse”.
Check out the “What to expect” page on their website and you’ll discover that alongside all the goodness of the 15lb of fruit and vegetables you’ll be ingesting in liquid form every day, there are a few side effects. You may be able to squeeze into that Hervé Léger bandage dress on New Year’s Eve, but you’ll also be “tired”, “hungry” (“a normal reaction to the cleansing process”), “weak”, “irritable” and “sensitive.”
Just the frame of mind I like to be in on the biggest party night of the year. Also, it may not do the job – which is where the more extreme quick fixes come in. With pharmacies and health emporiums sold out of Hydroxycut, Green Coffee capsules and Bitter Orange extract (three of LA’s favoured weight loss products and appetite suppressants) and every colonic hydrotherapist in the city booked up months in advance to suck the post-Christmas evil from Angelenos’ systems, there’s still time for a quick “border run”.
These are excursions popular with Brentwood yummy mummies, who will thoughtfully ask you “if you need anything” as they head over the border to Tijuana where Ephedrine-based diet pills, now illegal in the US, are readily available.
And, you never know, all those palpitations and rapid changes in body temperature may just add a little something to your enjoyment on the night itself. Because while mixing Ephedrine with alcohol isn’t advised, no New Year’s Eve is complete without a jaunt to A&E.
It almost makes me sad to miss out on this year’s madness. Almost.
LA"s in celebration prep mode - count me out
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