1 Mart 2014 Cumartesi

Obamacare: Clarifying How Seniors Die (Satire)

President Obama gave a nationally televised handle back in 2009 to “clarify any misunderstandings” about his wellness care proposal assuring Americans that under the new bill senior citizens, and not the federal government, will have the appropriate to decide on how they are executed.


“Let me dispel these ridiculous rumors once and for all and set the record straight. Underneath my prepare, seniors are going to be killed the way they want to be killed, finish of story”, mentioned the president, who acknowledged that “wiping out” the nation’s elderly population has always been his No. one priority.


“If your grandmother would rather be euthanized in the privacy of her very own property than be gutted and hanged on a high school soccer field, she is entitled to that correct.”


“Once again, let me be flawlessly clear,” Obama continued. “Seniors, rest straightforward knowing that I will by no means, under any circumstance, sign a bill that does not give you the choice of currently being murdered by my administration in a manner of your picking. I guarantee you that.”


In the course of his 45-minute tackle, the president repeatedly stressed his deep and abiding respect for the nation’s 65-and-in excess of citizens, saying that murdering them in approaches they wouldn’t want to be murdered would be both un-American and “flat-out wrong.”
Obama also accused his opponents of employing scare tactics to score political factors, manipulating seniors’ fears with misinformation about their upcoming state-mandated deaths.


The president stated he sympathized with and related to the fears of older Americans, incorporating that if a politician told him he could only be killed by currently being forcibly eliminated from his property and shot in the street like a puppy, but left out the fact that he could also be put down by painless lethal injection, he would be scared also.


“Folks’ concerns more than my strategy are all based on bogus claims that we intend to set up death panels to kill off senior citizens,” Obama said. “Well, that is preposterous. A death panel is only one particular of many methods we can exterminate the elderly. Beneath my strategy, they can be beaten or poisoned to death. They can be murdered by the Marines or the Air National Guard. They can die quick or they can die slow. They can even be drowned in their own bathtubs.”


“The stage is”, Obama continued, “there is a way to die in this strategy for absolutely everyone.”
According to the 970-page bill, seniors would have accessibility to far more than 600 methods of execution, all of which would be covered by Medicare. The legislation would also permit aging Americans to keep their personal main care doctors if they desire to be euthanized by their family doctor.


The bill also get in touch with for the creation of government-run carbon monoxide poisoning clinics, termination chambers in all YMCA basements, and a new giant pit in the Nevada desert in which seniors can be dumped and buried en masse.


“Let the record present, I am opposed to the government getting more concerned in people’s lives,” Obama explained. “But in occasions of fantastic change government has usually stepped in to lend a helping hand. That is why cost-free shuttle buses to college gymnasiums pumped complete of sarin gas will be supplied for all our seniors.”


Following the speech, White Home sources mentioned they expected total party help for the proposal. Even so, some far-left leaning Democrats have openly criticized the president for backing down from his preliminary policy of death panels, arguing that a system offering several execution options entirely undermines their best of a single universal senior-killing policy.


“The president has watered down a flawlessly sensible plan in hopes of placating the opposition.” Senator Jar Rockefeller (D-WV) said, “Look, we started this health care crusade because we think that death panels are the extremely best way to eradicate the senior population, and I, for a single, stand company in that belief.”
The Republican response was even more sternly worded.


“Seniors!” Property minority leader John Boehner (R-OH) mentioned, “Run for your lives! Obama is coming to destroy you! He will destroy all of you!”


Even so, many older Americans lauded the president for last but not least speaking to them like adults on the matter, and explained that for the 1st time in months they felt they weren’t becoming taken benefit of.


“It was refreshing to come to feel like I wasn’t getting utilised as a pawn to settle 1 political party’s score towards another.” 74-12 months outdated Florida resident Rose Benzio advised reporters. “I did not agree with everything President Obama had to say, but I feel there is almost certainly an choice in his plan that will suit me. Decapitation sounds exciting.”


Reprinted with permission by The Onion.
Aloha!
About Hesh:


I have been undertaking a weekly radio present in Honolulu since 1981 called “Health Talk”.


In 2007 I was “forced” to get a Masters degree in Nutrition simply because of all the medical doctors that would get in touch with in asking for my credentials. They do not contact in anymore.


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HESH GOLDSTEIN, MSNUTRI
“Health Talk” Moderator, K-108 Radio
P.O. Box 240783
Honolulu, Hawaii 96824-0783
(808) 258-1177
www.healthtalkhawaii.com
www.asanediet.com
heshgoldstein@gmail.com



Obamacare: Clarifying How Seniors Die (Satire)

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