Bibi Lynch (‘It’s exhausting and crushing’, Family, 29 October) nails the emotional cruelties casually handed out to non-mothers (to adapt her preferred term of non-parents). Non-fathers are on the receiving end of similar treatment. At its worst, while dads are happily left in charge of other parents’ children, we non-fathers are not so trusted. It was recently suggested to me that paedophiles are “mostly men without kids”.
Like non-mothers, non-fathers are routinely assumed to be emotionally compromised and biologically lacking. Many parents take the view that “everyone wants kids” – and so men who don’t have them are probably “firing blanks”. Some of us thought shared ideas of masculinity no longer rested on sperm count, but maybe we’re too optimistic.
Lynch makes the point that being a mum doesn’t naturally mean anything. Neither does being a dad. In common with many non-fathers, I think – with good grounds – that I have a great deal to offer kids. I’ve just never wanted to father them. There are enlightened parents, of course. They’re the ones who realise that you don’t need to reproduce to make your mark.
Steve Chinn
Stirling
• I am so appreciative of Bibi Lynch. She says out loud what I am feeling constantly without being able to articulate it clearly enough to myself or others. Feeling left out, sidelined, ignored, and meaningless is a constant drain that can suck all vitality out of me at times. Society and people in general seem so unaware and sometimes downright insensitive towards those of us who are involuntarily childless.
I gave a presentation on this at a counselling conference a while ago which was well received but, as with all minority issues, it was up to someone like me (the minority person) to highlight the difficulties, distress and pain of being involuntarily childless.
At 60-plus we are much more likely to be severely depressed or alcoholic than the general population (not being a grandparent is a double whammy). This can be somewhat alleviated by counselling or psychotherapy but how many of you are looking out for the impact of involuntarily childlessness on your friends or family before it gets to this stage? I do hope those of you who have children and grandchildren might reflect a bit more on this issue after reading Bibi’s courageous piece of writing.
Derryn Ellingham
Norfolk
• Bibi Lynch powerfully illustrates the prejudice and hurt experienced by women who are not mothers. She gives several examples of the ignorance and assumptions people make about this group. It is a shame then that she ends her article by making a gross assumption herself – “A man ejaculating in you does not make you kinder or wiser or more valid than me”. Of course she is correct. However, a substantial minority of women become mothers without men ejaculating into them, but via other means such as IVF, self-insemination, by adopting children or through surrogacy. To argue for the rights of one group, whilst stereotyping the other, unhelpfully detracts from the important point she is trying to make.
Dr Laura Golding
Chorlton, Manchester
• Many things are crushing and exhausting, not least treading on eggshells around people who seem determined to read what was never meant into the most innocent remarks. What has happened to our sensibilities and ability to discern what is a deliberately insensitive or hurtful remark when we seem to be incapable (or unwilling) to accept that most people are not trying to score a point or denigrate but are just unaware of our personal circumstances or feelings? Perhaps more tolerance on all sides would make life a little less fraught.
Linda Marriott
Lincoln
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There’s more to life than reproduction | Letters
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